It’s already past midnight. I look blankly at my screen trying to wake up from my state. I feel tired yet happy and exited. Don’t know why. Maybe because tomorrow [which practically means today] I have my math exam. I look outside. The street is empty. I don’t know what I’m searching for. I just know that it’s missing. I slowly close my eyes and sit my head on the keyboard. I try to remember what is “it” that I’m searching for. A book. A key. A pencil. Or just a simple note. I don’t know. I just know it’s important.
It’s already 00:30. I feel my eyelids hard as I try to look for “it”. ‘Fucking shit. What the hell are “you”?’ I asked myself annoyed. I search again and again. But I still can’t manage to remember.
2 hours pass by and I still didn’t manage to find “you”.
I wake up in the morning. It’s 6 am. I start looking for “you” again. I open my computer and read some comments on R.A.F. That fucking word. Fucking 3 letters. I open my browser and search for that. The first photo. I click on it. “Found you” that’s my first thought when I look at the photo.
Fuck that perfect ***XD
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Friendship is rare^^
There are times when I ask myself “Why did I do that?”
There are times when I regret “Why did I have to say it?”
There are times when I don’t understand “Why is it always like this?”
It’s always the question ”Why?”
It’s always in the beginning of the month.
It’s always…you
Why? That’s right. I don’t know the answer, cause if I knew it I would have tried to stop it.
“What if I didn’t say that?”
“What if you were wrong?”
“What if you weren’t that stupid and at least tried to understand?”
Hmm…Right. Another question without an answer “What if?”
“How does it feel when you yell at me?”
“How does it feel when I don’t talk to you for a week or so?”
“How does it feel when you don’t understand?”
How? You don’t know, right?
“What are you trying to say?”
“What will I do?”
“What will happen to us?”
What? I don’t know either.
“Did you have to act like you were crazy?”
“Did I have to say that?”
“Did it have to end like that?”
Again…no answer
I feel so tired of trying to show you the right way. I feel so empty, like I cried too much and there are no tears left to cry, but I didn’t. I feel like a knife is pushed thru my heart. There are no words of describing my state.
But I also know…
You feel angry whenever I don’t look at you when you talk to me. You feel down whenever I don’t talk to you. You feel lonely whenever I don’t come home or hug you. There are also no words of describing your state.
There is only one thing that I don’t question. I know for sure that we’re both too stupid and stubborn to admit we were wrong. I know it hurts both of us. I know it always ends bad and we always try to stop in the middle but it’s always to late.
Right now I’m not mad at you because you yelled at me or other things. I’m mad at you because you live with the thought that you know me well. Well…newsflash you don’t. If you knew me as well as you think you do then you would have seen something’s fishy when I came home yesterday. But you just came into my room and yelled just because I left too early. You didn’t even try to look at me. I thought maybe I was too stressed and my mind was tired. But it happened again today. I came home with too many problems on my head and, maybe this time it was my little mistake, I made a lame joke, like you always do to me, but I never got as mad as you did.
Why did I have to do that joke? What if you looked into my eyes? Did you have to act like that? What will it happen?
I hate you for being so selfish. Not selfish like you care only about yourself, selfish because you think you do the right thing for me, but it’s actually good for you.
I hate you for always making my life hard when it’s already full of problems.
I hate you for not keeping your promise. The promise of being friends and not ruining our friendship.
But just as you said…I’ll keep smiling cause that’s my personality. I’ll take care of ‘my kids’ and make them happy.
Peace^^
There are times when I regret “Why did I have to say it?”
There are times when I don’t understand “Why is it always like this?”
It’s always the question ”Why?”
It’s always in the beginning of the month.
It’s always…you
Why? That’s right. I don’t know the answer, cause if I knew it I would have tried to stop it.
“What if I didn’t say that?”
“What if you were wrong?”
“What if you weren’t that stupid and at least tried to understand?”
Hmm…Right. Another question without an answer “What if?”
“How does it feel when you yell at me?”
“How does it feel when I don’t talk to you for a week or so?”
“How does it feel when you don’t understand?”
How? You don’t know, right?
“What are you trying to say?”
“What will I do?”
“What will happen to us?”
What? I don’t know either.
“Did you have to act like you were crazy?”
“Did I have to say that?”
“Did it have to end like that?”
Again…no answer
I feel so tired of trying to show you the right way. I feel so empty, like I cried too much and there are no tears left to cry, but I didn’t. I feel like a knife is pushed thru my heart. There are no words of describing my state.
But I also know…
You feel angry whenever I don’t look at you when you talk to me. You feel down whenever I don’t talk to you. You feel lonely whenever I don’t come home or hug you. There are also no words of describing your state.
There is only one thing that I don’t question. I know for sure that we’re both too stupid and stubborn to admit we were wrong. I know it hurts both of us. I know it always ends bad and we always try to stop in the middle but it’s always to late.
Right now I’m not mad at you because you yelled at me or other things. I’m mad at you because you live with the thought that you know me well. Well…newsflash you don’t. If you knew me as well as you think you do then you would have seen something’s fishy when I came home yesterday. But you just came into my room and yelled just because I left too early. You didn’t even try to look at me. I thought maybe I was too stressed and my mind was tired. But it happened again today. I came home with too many problems on my head and, maybe this time it was my little mistake, I made a lame joke, like you always do to me, but I never got as mad as you did.
Why did I have to do that joke? What if you looked into my eyes? Did you have to act like that? What will it happen?
I hate you for being so selfish. Not selfish like you care only about yourself, selfish because you think you do the right thing for me, but it’s actually good for you.
I hate you for always making my life hard when it’s already full of problems.
I hate you for not keeping your promise. The promise of being friends and not ruining our friendship.
But just as you said…I’ll keep smiling cause that’s my personality. I’ll take care of ‘my kids’ and make them happy.
Peace^^
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